Just. Enough.

These are two words I catch myself saying often during this year. "I'm just an intern. Will this be enough?" Two words that have become part of my everyday speech that make life harder.

By using just I'm diminishing my work. I'm diminishing who I am as a person. "I just did my job. I'm just the intern. I'm just here for a year. I'm just me." By putting this word into my lexicon, I am tearing down everything I've done. I don't give myself credit for the work I've done. I don't give myself credit for who I am as a person. I didn't start catching myself saying it until the winter, but when I did, I heard myself saying it everywhere. At work, at home, talking to my family, talking to my supervisor. I made everything seem simpler than it was by using one word: just.

On the flip side of that coin was enough. "Is this enough food? Do I have enough money? Am I enough?" These questions hurt me and I didn't know it. From a culture of abundance, all I could see was where I was lacking. I come from a big family. Dinner was something we all did together. But I specifically remember counting all the rolls on the table or dumplings in the soup, wondering how much I would get and would it be fair. Coming here has been a lesson in equity; my enough is different than your enough and both are enough.

This has not been an easy year and I have struggled in different places. The biggest part is "Am I enough?" The easy answer is yes, but it's hard to see that when I'm so focused on the details. I do the best I can and even if I fail, it was enough. I've done what seemed that menial tasks and they were enough. It's been hard to switch my mind to see how much I've done instead of how much I need to do.

I've been planning an interfaith LGBT panel that happens in a week. I've contacted different people in the community who have different spiritual and LGBT identities and are bringing them together to talk about the intersection of these identities. I have done all that I can and more. Now I have to accept that it is enough, no matter the outcome. It will happen, people will attend, and there will be an impact. Will it be what I want? Probably not, but it will be just enough.