What do I deserve and what should I get?

Holidays will be different this year. We're all here in Asheville for Thanksgiving. I've chosen to stay here for Christmas.

As the holiday season starts, we (Asheville YAVs) have gotten plenty of Thanksgiving invitations. As I've been joking, if someone could feed us Saturday, we would have free meals every other day for the next week. I had family dinner yesterday with my organization, Youth OUTright; tomorrow, we'll have dinner at Green Opportunities, where Erin works; and then actual Thanksgiving. Phew. Actual Thanksgiving we have been invited to no less than five meals. I'll only be attending two.

I guess that's a definition of privilege, having so many people invite you to share food with them. Another privilege is getting to let go of the burdens placed on me at work. I have two and a half days off this week. I get to put everything down and walk away. Others aren't as fortunate.

I'm going through growing pains again. I'm struggling with where I belong in my organization. What should I be privy to? What don't I need to know? What do I deserve and what should I get? Things are changing in the space and I don't know where I belong in all of it. I had the parade to distract me the past two weeks, but now that is over (side note: Youth OUTright and Tranzmission [the transgender group of AVL] had a float in the holiday parade this past Saturday. I did most of the decorations and helped with the design. Some joked that I could be an official parade float designer/coordinator. I'm not doing that again.)

The struggle is real, figuring out where one belongs. Whether it's physically, as in location, or more often in groups, figuring out where you belong is tough. I don't know where I'm at, at my job. I doubt my belonging at home (both in Asheville and Florida). And thinking of the future, I don't know where I'll be next. That's tough. That's part of this year though: discernment. This discernment is finding confidence in myself to belong anywhere.

So even though it's tough, I'm learning. I do belong here, or I wouldn't have gotten as many invites for Turkey Day. I'll find another belonging as Christmas comes around and I attend other peoples' traditions. As I continue to stretch and grow, I'll keep leaning on the one place I know I'll always belong: with God.

Dear Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I wish I had gotten to know you better. We shared some intimate moments, but I was hoping one day to have a response or a reaction from what I said. I wish I had known you when you were younger and full of spirit. I wish I could have shown you the love you deserved.

I will always remember you as the frail, old woman who held my hand and put her head on my shoulder. The lady who tried to get out of her chair or bed, even though you didn't have the capacity. I wanted to tell you so many more stories and I wanted to hear more from you. I will hold dear the memory of you kissing my hands and head and me returning the favor.

I love you Margaret. I will miss you so. I've cried the past few days for you. Everyone tells me that you're happier, healthier, and in a better place. I know that; I'm crying for myself. For what I will never know about you, for the time that I wanted to spend with you, for the longing I will have, for missing you. I'm mourning what could have been.

I'll see you soon.


RIP Margaret C. who passed on November 9 in the early afternoon.

Fun Fotos!

So even though this year is a serious year of service and discernment, doesn't mean we can't and don't have fun. So this blog post is everything fun we've done so far.

Drum circle. Every Friday night in Pritchard Park.
Only during the warm months (March-September)

Drag Brunch. Part of my job. Every second Saturday 11-2

It's not just queens! Kings perform as well

Youth also participate and perform

BEARS!! Outside our door!

Mama Bear nearby

Square dancing!! 

Look at how much fun Azing is having!

Getting lost in a corn maze! It was A-maize-ing! 

 

Jumping on a pillow trampoline

Azing, Klari, and I went to LEAF.

We saw this super cool band from the Congo! Jupiter and Okwess.

#IntrovertOuting Going out for Halloween (Grumpy, scarecrow, Emma Swan, Hufflepuff student)