What do I deserve and what should I get?

Holidays will be different this year. We're all here in Asheville for Thanksgiving. I've chosen to stay here for Christmas.

As the holiday season starts, we (Asheville YAVs) have gotten plenty of Thanksgiving invitations. As I've been joking, if someone could feed us Saturday, we would have free meals every other day for the next week. I had family dinner yesterday with my organization, Youth OUTright; tomorrow, we'll have dinner at Green Opportunities, where Erin works; and then actual Thanksgiving. Phew. Actual Thanksgiving we have been invited to no less than five meals. I'll only be attending two.

I guess that's a definition of privilege, having so many people invite you to share food with them. Another privilege is getting to let go of the burdens placed on me at work. I have two and a half days off this week. I get to put everything down and walk away. Others aren't as fortunate.

I'm going through growing pains again. I'm struggling with where I belong in my organization. What should I be privy to? What don't I need to know? What do I deserve and what should I get? Things are changing in the space and I don't know where I belong in all of it. I had the parade to distract me the past two weeks, but now that is over (side note: Youth OUTright and Tranzmission [the transgender group of AVL] had a float in the holiday parade this past Saturday. I did most of the decorations and helped with the design. Some joked that I could be an official parade float designer/coordinator. I'm not doing that again.)

The struggle is real, figuring out where one belongs. Whether it's physically, as in location, or more often in groups, figuring out where you belong is tough. I don't know where I'm at, at my job. I doubt my belonging at home (both in Asheville and Florida). And thinking of the future, I don't know where I'll be next. That's tough. That's part of this year though: discernment. This discernment is finding confidence in myself to belong anywhere.

So even though it's tough, I'm learning. I do belong here, or I wouldn't have gotten as many invites for Turkey Day. I'll find another belonging as Christmas comes around and I attend other peoples' traditions. As I continue to stretch and grow, I'll keep leaning on the one place I know I'll always belong: with God.