Later is now

I am a terrible procrastinator.  I put items off for weeks until I'm right on the deadline and get stressed and anxious. I finish the project on time. Do I learn from my lesson? No.

Going in that vein, I have procrastinated on something very important to me (the higher the importance, the longer I put it off): my faith. I went to churches in college, attended bible studies, was active in several Christian organizations. But looking at myself now I question what I believe. I know I'm a Christian and I believe in Christ, but the nitty gritty is what bugs me. What makes Presbyterians different from other denominations? What are the core beliefs of Presbyterianism? Do I even want to be Presbyterian?

I have struggled with prayer for years. I don't like that there's no one to answer or even acknowledge me when I'm talking to them. I don't need an exact answer, but some response would be nice. Like, how do people do this every day/night? Am I not faithful enough if I don't pray daily?

In my mind, I know I want to be Christian for the rest of my life. I have faith that no matter where I go, I'll always have church. I even have ideas of what songs will be played at my wedding (In Christ Alone) and lighting a Christ candle. I have visions of me reading Bible stories with my children and praying with them nightly. But how do I get there from here?

I have put off my faith for years; just because I was around church people or even in a sanctuary doesn't mean I got anything out of it. I keep saying I'll work on it later, school is my priority, work is my priority, it's not the right time. Well later is now.

I've gotten to know several pastors here in Asheville and the one whose church I attend knows all about me. She's even now our spiritual guidance person, a person that the six of us can go to and talk about faith and what direction we want to go. We talked last week about it and we are all at different stages of faith. I'm starting to write down my questions, figure out what I want to know and be. I don't expect it to be easy, but I don't want to put it off any longer.