Just. Enough.

These are two words I catch myself saying often during this year. "I'm just an intern. Will this be enough?" Two words that have become part of my everyday speech that make life harder.

By using just I'm diminishing my work. I'm diminishing who I am as a person. "I just did my job. I'm just the intern. I'm just here for a year. I'm just me." By putting this word into my lexicon, I am tearing down everything I've done. I don't give myself credit for the work I've done. I don't give myself credit for who I am as a person. I didn't start catching myself saying it until the winter, but when I did, I heard myself saying it everywhere. At work, at home, talking to my family, talking to my supervisor. I made everything seem simpler than it was by using one word: just.

On the flip side of that coin was enough. "Is this enough food? Do I have enough money? Am I enough?" These questions hurt me and I didn't know it. From a culture of abundance, all I could see was where I was lacking. I come from a big family. Dinner was something we all did together. But I specifically remember counting all the rolls on the table or dumplings in the soup, wondering how much I would get and would it be fair. Coming here has been a lesson in equity; my enough is different than your enough and both are enough.

This has not been an easy year and I have struggled in different places. The biggest part is "Am I enough?" The easy answer is yes, but it's hard to see that when I'm so focused on the details. I do the best I can and even if I fail, it was enough. I've done what seemed that menial tasks and they were enough. It's been hard to switch my mind to see how much I've done instead of how much I need to do.

I've been planning an interfaith LGBT panel that happens in a week. I've contacted different people in the community who have different spiritual and LGBT identities and are bringing them together to talk about the intersection of these identities. I have done all that I can and more. Now I have to accept that it is enough, no matter the outcome. It will happen, people will attend, and there will be an impact. Will it be what I want? Probably not, but it will be just enough.

End of May or Early June, Picture Perfect Afternoon We Shared

Even though we've been busy, we've made sure to have fun and see local sights. These were the highlights of May and early June. These were fun group bonding times and I won't forget what I learned from these experiences.

On top of Tennent Mountain. Erin wanted to go hiking for her birthday.
So we went on a 5 mile (3 hour) hike on a trail.

View of the Blue Ridge Mountains from Black Balsam Knob.
It was a beautiful day with a wonderful breeze. It was ~15 degrees cooler up there.

Wolf at the WNC Nature Center. On Memorial Day, Erin and I checked out the  Nature Center.

Otter! These were some of our favorite animals. So playful!

Bears, Oh My! We saw bears (outside of the ones in trees in our backyard)!

Willy Wonka Day at Brooks Howell Home
L-R: Augustus Gloop, Charlie Bucket, Mike Teevee, Oompa Loompa

Original stove at Thomas Wolfe Memorial.
We had been by at the beginning of the year, but wanted to return to see what was inside.

One of the rooms in the Thomas Wolfe Memorial Home.
We learned who Thomas Wolfe was and why this house is an important landmark.

One of the sunrooms in the Thomas Wolfe Memorial Home.
Thomas Wolfe's story is sad, but is writing is beautiful. It's now on my To-Read List.

Romans 12:2

Dear 14 year old me,
Even though middle school has been rough, there is so much more out there. Life gets so much better; don't run away, but run into it.

Ten years ago yesterday I was baptized and confirmed in the Presbyterian Church. I followed in tradition of many before me and many after. But even though confirmation is tradition, mine was un-traditional. First (I didn't know) I wore a teal dress the day of, instead of white. I was the only girl in a class of six. And I wasn't baptized.

When I was a child, my parents didn't baptize me. They wanted me to choose my own path. I appreciate the thought, and looking back I understand and agree. But as a 14-year old trying to fit in at a private Christian school, being baptized as an infant was a badge of honor. I didn't have it and I couldn't get it that way, since I was 14 years too late. It was one more thing to add to the list of how I stood out when all I wanted was to fit in.

I fit in with my friends at school and church because all of us were going through a confirmation at our respective churches. I was the ONLY one who wasn't baptized. I didn't understand how I could go through all of this and NOT be baptized until the last minute. Even my parents were baptized as infants. It went against all tradition I had been taught.

But tradition can and should be broken. During my YAV year, many traditions I hold true are being broken and made beautiful. I feel most at "church" when I am among companions at Haywood St. Congregation; I frequently hum "Sanctuary" because that what I feel it has become. I can find a fiery, empowered pastor in a church of 20 people. My elder who sponsored me wasn't baptized until she was an adult. Neither was my stepmom. Things don't have to stay the same, and sometimes it's best if they don't.

I have grown so much in the past ten years. My family has grown, both who I have been given and who I have chosen. I have completed high school and college. I have moved across the country and abandoned a "traditional" post-college route. I have gone through hardships and have had the best times of my life so far. I am my own person and keep true to myself; I know my boundaries, what I like/don't like, and once I set my mind to something, I do it.

I was baptized and confirmed on the same day, 10 years ago. And I wouldn't change the path God set for me for the world. I wasn't meant to be traditional; I was meant to be unconventional.

Romans 12:2- Do not conform to this world, but be transformed...

Later is now

I am a terrible procrastinator.  I put items off for weeks until I'm right on the deadline and get stressed and anxious. I finish the project on time. Do I learn from my lesson? No.

Going in that vein, I have procrastinated on something very important to me (the higher the importance, the longer I put it off): my faith. I went to churches in college, attended bible studies, was active in several Christian organizations. But looking at myself now I question what I believe. I know I'm a Christian and I believe in Christ, but the nitty gritty is what bugs me. What makes Presbyterians different from other denominations? What are the core beliefs of Presbyterianism? Do I even want to be Presbyterian?

I have struggled with prayer for years. I don't like that there's no one to answer or even acknowledge me when I'm talking to them. I don't need an exact answer, but some response would be nice. Like, how do people do this every day/night? Am I not faithful enough if I don't pray daily?

In my mind, I know I want to be Christian for the rest of my life. I have faith that no matter where I go, I'll always have church. I even have ideas of what songs will be played at my wedding (In Christ Alone) and lighting a Christ candle. I have visions of me reading Bible stories with my children and praying with them nightly. But how do I get there from here?

I have put off my faith for years; just because I was around church people or even in a sanctuary doesn't mean I got anything out of it. I keep saying I'll work on it later, school is my priority, work is my priority, it's not the right time. Well later is now.

I've gotten to know several pastors here in Asheville and the one whose church I attend knows all about me. She's even now our spiritual guidance person, a person that the six of us can go to and talk about faith and what direction we want to go. We talked last week about it and we are all at different stages of faith. I'm starting to write down my questions, figure out what I want to know and be. I don't expect it to be easy, but I don't want to put it off any longer.

Structure

I do my best when I have structure in my life. I have a schedule. Life is consistent. I am in control.

The YAV year has structure. I work 32 hours at my nonprofit, Tuesday nights and Friday mornings are spent with everyone, and I work 5 hours at Brooks-Howell. But in the smaller places, I have to make my own structure. I came up with my schedule at work. I figured out what I do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, respectively. I prioritize what needs to be done now versus what can be put at the bottom of my to-do list.

A buzzword for the YAV year is "flexibility". Be flexible for whatever comes your way. Not one person has the same year as another. Loving my structure has been hard in loving my flexibility.

This year I feel I have tested my flexibility many times: my job went from two directors to one,  my schedule is different than all my housemates (even though I have worked hard to keep it in the structure of Monday-Thursday), my work place nearly dissolved, my work place is moving locations, and my schedule is changing again. I have had to create my own structure in those moments. I have picked up responsibilities that I didn't think I would have. I have to be flexible because I can't tell you what tomorrow will bring with my job.

With structure comes the hatred of change. I cannot stand things changing, for better or worse. I get a day off from work? I panic and don't know what to do with myself. My schedule has now been altered. My work might dissolve? I panic and think the worse possibilities. Structure is a two sided sword: it brings me comfort but can limit me at the same time.

I'm now halfway through my YAV year and I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know what's coming next and that TERRIFIES me. I plan and rely on structure so much that when I don't have it, I struggle. This year is teaching me to flex my flexibility muscle. Learning something new is never easy, but I know it will benefit me the rest of my life.

Am I Christian Enough?

So many of you know me, have interacted with me in person. I curse, I listen to "worldly" music, I love Star Wars and Harry Potter (I even have a tattoo of the deathly hallows on me), and I love to read most anything fantasy or sci-fi. And with all of these attributes I bring up the question: Am I Christian enough?

See I've read the Bible, but not all the way through. I know for sure I've read the first five books of the New Testament all the way through, along with a few of the shorter books. I can't quote the Bible verbatim. I may mix up stories and where they're found. I don't know how to rebuke someone who quotes the Bible at me. Am I Christian enough?

I love reading and movies and music, but I don't want to be bound by just "Christian" ones. Only listen to the Christian radio station, only read books about Christianity, and God forbid only watch those cheesy Christian movies. I love my Star Wars, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, and more. Are those Christian? Can I be Christian and enjoy them?

I struggled with a conclusion paragraph for one of these blog posts.  I continually had to change it because according to my roommate, it was a 12/10 on the cheesiness factor. It didn't sound like me. She was right. I don't go around talking about Jesus, God, and the Bible all the time. Does that make me a bad Christian? I understand and respect peoples' wishes when they don't want to talk about religion because most of the time they've been hurt by it. I don't try and convert everyone I talk to. And the best part is, my career is in science. How the hell am I supposed to be a Christian and a scientist AT THE SAME TIME??? (sarcasm alert. I'm confident in my juxtaposition)

I'm reading a book right now that helps with some parts of my faith. But man, is it hard to read something that every page has several Bible verses backing it up and I have no idea what those verses say or even what context they're in?? Reading these Christian books has never been easy; many times they've been uncomfortable. It's also sad that I feel more comfortable getting questions answered from books than my own church/pastor. Like why don't we talk about the LGBT community in church when I know several members who fall in that community? Why don't we talk about sex (I'm not saying I need a sermon, but for people to actual talk about sexuality, marriage, and religion in the same room)? What interpretations do we accept from the Bible and which ones do we write off?

All of these questions go through my head when I let them, along with many others. This doubting makes me compare myself to others and bring up the question: Am I Christian enough? And that's something I unfortunately have to figure out for myself.

Go Tell It On the Mountain

Here are some pictures from my Christmas festivities, here in Asheville, NC.

Cookie decorating with some of my roommates (at 10 one night)

Erin and I with SANTA at the Grove Arcade

Christmas at Calvary Presbyterian (yes it really is that yellow)

My Christmas tree

Gingerbread house decorated by Laura and me

My first Christmas not at FPC Pensacola

Grace Covenant Presbyterian

Caroling with and for the residents of Brooks-Howell

Laura and I with our festive attire
(our hats sang "We are Santa's Elves" from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

Christmas lunch at Brooks-Howell

Christmas night at Laura's featuring a Mountain Cream Puff (behind the bowl of ornaments)